We don’t need to go back in time and create a ton of work for ourselves baking bread and fighting cholera in order to keep our friends around.
You know that deep breath moment? The make-it-or-break-it moment, the positive thinking moment? The moment when you hand your fate over to visualization or karma or any other hocus-pocus that is going to help free your kid from his tiled prison?
Does self-help ever help anyone? I doubt it. The best help of all is clicking Place Your Order, feeling that rush of consumerism and knowing that a present will be on your doorstep in just two days.
And just like that, Hug a Gwyneth Paltrow Today faded into the distance. But you should probably hug her anyway, even if she sounds ridiculous sometimes. I don’t think she means it.
This was my list on Saturday: Tap costume – check Ballet costume – check Brown tights – check Pink tights – check Tap shoes – check Ballet shoes – check Proven ability to switch between the entire tap costume and the entire ballet costume in less than eight minutes – check Including hair – check […]
My memory is spotty, given that the last I really saw her was during reruns 30 years ago, but I suspect she was probably right. She has a bad rap, June Cleaver. We mocked her. Her name was the one that came up when we disparaged the prospect of becoming a housewife. Housewife. That was […]
I’m in the middle of a hiatus, a hiatus that started over a month ago and will continue after this post is published. However, it was unannounced, and therefore broke all of Emily Posts rules on everything, so I’m backtracking, making amends, and sending a virtual rose to anyone who’s ever stopped by. This blog […]
Right this second I have four cable guys milling about in my rose bushes. They’ve been there for an hour. Anyone who has been around for the past month or so knows about my cable service woes. It works, it doesn’t work, it works, the wind blows, it doesn’t work, etc. Today they’re bringing out […]
Me: Don’t get me wrong. I’m not mad. But if I buy you Corn Nuts now then, when you’re a teenager and you do whatever awful thing that teenagers do, you’ll be like, ‘It doesn’t matter. Mom will still buy me a car because she bought me Corn Nuts when I was 10.’
I stand by this: from slam to revelation is less than one second. I don’t know what happens in the brain during that split second, some sort of self-preservation or survival instinct or something, except that it’s a stupid survival instinct because suddenly you don’t have shelter.